Fun with Wax

Candlemaking can be frustrating at times...but it's also a lot of laughs! Do you have a funny candlemaking story you'd like to share? Send your submissions to webmaster@cierracandles.com

Polishing Candles

submitted by Jerry Simmons

Often with storage and handling, you get small scratches on the surface of the candle. These scratches can be polished out with panty hose, panties, or a piece of ultrasuede. Below is a message from one candlemaker that points out some of the problems with this approach.

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This candle making is causing problems. Some of the problems are because you ladies are not giving good instructions. You say things like, "In making a cake candle, you whip the wax and apply it like you would when frosting a cake." I have never frosted a cake. Another one that got me in trouble was, "You can polish the candle with your pantyhose."

I am getting ahead of myself. A little about my background. I stand six feet three inches and weigh 215. I have been a deputy sheriff. I was an instructor in the regional law enforcement academy. My subject was armed and unarmed street combat. I was into karate for years. Now do not misunderstand, I am not into this getting in touch with our male inner-self. I was a single parent for seven years and that got me in touch with all of my inner feelings. I don't need to stay in the woods and hit myself with a stick. I raised my son alone, beginning when he was about eight and he thought I could do no wrong, through the teenage years where I could do no right. Inner feelings - I touched them.

I stray from the subject of candles...sorry. I need to polish some scratches out of a candle. I read on the candle board that you use pantyhose to polish candles. I go to the store and buy the best pantyhose I can find. No problem with that. I get home and unwrap the things. How do I use this thing to rub a candle? I notice it has two long sections, so I put one arm in each. That way I can hold the candle in one hand and polish with the other. Now, this feels kind of strange. Then I see my reflection in the mirror. I immediately pull off the pantyhose and put on my combat boots, karate pants, and strap on a gun. At least this way, if a friend walks in on me wearing these pantyhose on my arms, they will not think I have lost my masculine side. So here I stand with one arm in each leg of the pantyhose, feet slightly apart, gun ready, and I rub the candle. It does not work.

I need help. I go to the next door neighbor. She is 63 and I am sure she knows what I need to solve this problem. She answers the door. I say, "Mrs. Wilson, will you show me how I'm supposed to wear these pantyhose when I polish a candle?'" She refuses to let me in her house. Her husband comes over and calls me a pervert. I assure him I am not a pervert and that I do not go around wearing pantyhose all the time. I tell him in fact that I am new to this and trying to learn how to put the pantyhose on. He and his wife run when I walk out the door now.

My candle still has a scratch on it. A couple of friends are over one evening, and I say to the wife of this couple, "Would you polish this candle for me?" She says, "Sure," and asks where my pantyhose are. I put on my combat boots, karate pants, and gun and bring her the pantyhose. She grabs the pantyhose, bunches them in a ball, and rubs the candle. The scratch is gone.

Now when you ladies are giving directions like that, please say, "Use the pantyhose like you would steel wool to polish the surface." That I understand.

My neighbors have moved. This knock-out lady moved in next door. Tomorrow I am going to ask her if she knows how to wear pantyhose when she polishes a candle. She will be impressed that I now know how.

Just thought I would add a little levity to our candle stuff. I have no intentions of criticizing anyone's lifestyle with this story. Some of my best friends wear pantyhose.

Top 10 Reasons for Making Candles in Your Kitchen

submitted by Dee Stapleton

(I can't for the life of me remember who wrote this originally -- it was a candlemaking list member, but over a year ago, so I can't give credit to the author. I just found it when I was clearing out my folders on my computer. It's hilarious and highly topical!!!!!)

.10..Wax makes a wonderful protective coating for your stove, countertops, and kitchen floor.

..9..All the money you save not having to go to the salon for a paraffin nail dip.

..8..You can utilize all that unused space in your closets, basement, garage, and cupboards by storing your supplies.

..7..When people come to visit and ask "What are you cooking?", that's a compliment. (Just ignore the funny looks on their faces.)

..6..There's no better way to test your smoke detector than to clean your molds out in the oven.

..5..When you go to the store and the cashier asks "What perfume are you wearing?", you can smile mysteriously and say, "It's an exclusive from Cierra."

..4..You increase your credit rating by charging hundreds of dollars in candlemaking supplies to your Visa.

..3..Candle dye turns your fingers into a beautiful rainbow. Works on clothes too!

..2..You never again have to worry about how dinner tastes because everything you cook in your kitchen tastes the same (like wax!)

..And, the number 1 reason: The weekly visits from those good looking delivery guys and firemen!!!

First Candles

The following "true" story was posted to the Candlelore list many years ago by Jerry Simmons (quite a jokester). Please do not follow his example! :-)

So you think every candlemaker did not make as many mistakes as you are making when they started?  Read this "true" story:

I have been watching these messages on the board, so I decided I could make a candle just like you people. I have learned there are several types of wax. After reading what you had to say, it only made sense to me to use the kind you only have to pour one time. I called this supplier you talked about and told them I wanted enough of that one pour wax to make a candle. When they say they don't have a minimum order, don't believe them. They do. Well, I finally agreed to take what they said was the minimum order on wax. I knew from what I read that I wanted to make a column candle. Wait, you people call it a pillar. Not much difference, but I want to be politically correct. I went to my friendly craft store and told them I wanted a pillar mold. They sent me to the sewing section. I went home and called this supplier where I ordered the wax. I said I wanted the minimum order of pillar molds. They knew what I needed. They had all kinds of questions like what size. I told them I just ordered a minimum order of that one time pour wax, so I wanted a mold that would use all the wax to make one candle. They laughed a lot, but said they would send it.

I melted down some old candles to get the wicks to use in my candle. When I tied all of them together, I bet I had four feet of wick.

The wax arrived. It was in a box. It was in a really big box. The truck guy put it on a dolly to move it. I could see I was going to have a problem. I don't have a pan big enough to hold that much wax. I went to Wally World and bought the deluxe Apex pan set and 26 of those things that you plug into the wall and it has coils on it that get hot. I figured I needed one for each pan. Then I got 15 extension cords to run from the electrical outlets to the living room where I was going to make my candle.

I set up everything in the living room and was waiting for the mold. It arrived. Do you know how big a mold is that holds 60 pounds of wax? It is big. I knew immediately that I did not have enough wick for this. Not to be defeated, I bought 100 yards of ski rope to use as my wick. It was a bright yellow and would look good in my candle.

Now I have extension cords running all through the house, and all 26 heating coil deals are plugged in and a pan is on each one. All of this equipment did fill the living room, but that is a sacrifice we candle making professionals have to make. I have my mold sitting beside me and it is the moment of truth. I unwrap the mold. There are a bunch of holes in the bottom of my mold. Obviously I got a defective mold, but I am not going to lose any more time. I want to make my candle. I put masking tape over the holes. I take my electric drill and drill a hole big enough for the ski rope wick to go through.

I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. I know you have to secure the wick at both ends. I tied a knot in the end where I drilled the hole in the mold and I tied the other end to the chandelier in the living room. I got a ladder so I can carry the pans of wax to the top of the mold and make my candle. This stuff is easy. Look out Bob-what's-your-name, the new candle guru is here.

Would you believe that 26 heating deals on at the same time blow the breaker box. No, I don't mean it trips the breakers, it blows the whole box. When the electrician finished installing the new heavy-duty commercial breaker box, I was ready. Do you have any idea how much electricians cost? I may go into that instead of making candles.

I decide that I want this candle to have a good scent, so I pour all of my cologne in the wax. It sure pops a lot when you put cologne in melted wax.

I saw a candle the other day that had two colors in it. The top was red and the bottom was white. I liked that so I decided to have lots of colors in my candle. I bought a new box of 24 crayons. I put one crayon in each pot. Wow, a 24 color candle. At last, I am ready.

I climb the ladder and start pouring the wax. When the mold was about half full of wax, I noticed the colors were all turning gray, so I threw in another box of crayons. That is when things went downhill. I guess the weight of the crayons added to the wax did it. The chandelier fell from the ceiling. My mold dropped to the floor. The masking tape came loose. Wax started going all over the carpet. The blue carpet was now gray. I fall off the ladder into the wax. Don't worry, the carpet is that stain resistant stuff.

Nobody ever bothered to mention that this one pour wax stuff is sticky. It took the EMS 6 hours to get my body out of that stuff. They say the wax burns will heal in a month or so.

Well, I have decided this candlemaking stuff is not as easy as I thought. Tomorrow I am taking up a new hobby. I am going to start studying medicine. I am going to become a gynecologist.

(Okay, maybe this is not totally true, and thanks to Lynda for editing.

From Jerry Simmons, Listowner, Candlelore   Candlesbyjerry@yahoo.com )